9 Feb 2022
One question I have constantly asked myself in the last 7 years in New Zealand is ‘Where is home?’. I decided to write this blog, hoping this works as a reminder for myself and many other like me to dig a little deeper and hopefully get some sort of an answer. Let’s dive in.
So, ‘What is home?’ Is it where you live? Or where you come from, where you spent your first few years of your life, your childhood? Or is it a person or your family members? Or is it all of these? And when you have moved away from the house you grew up in and even your birth country, do you still get to call those ‘Home’? Some people also say, ‘it is where your heart is’. Do you agree with that? I’m not sure if I do, frankly! I can relate to the part where home can mean safety, comfort or feeling of belonging to someone. But doesn’t it sounds a bit like attachment? You be the judge.
After my big move to New Zealand (NZ), just within NZ, I have moved 3 times in the last 7 years, in each place I was asking myself, ‘Could this be it, do I feel home?’. For the longest time, I associated ‘Home’ with my childhood and family memories, as if, they are still physically there where I can portal back-to anytime I wanted.
But the first time I went back to visit my family from NZ around November 2016, things had changed. Even though I felt loved and everyone was happy to see me, it felt like I didn’t belong there anymore. Life goes on and the space I had in other people’s life had transformed. I guess that’s the price you pay for moving away form family.
“You create a different world for you and the world where you were before, gradually fades away, for good or for bad.”
I still refer to India as home sometimes, I think, that’s partially nostalgia and my way of staying connected to where I was born and where my blood relations are. Another big question I have asked myself consistently for the last few years is, if I created my own little family somewhere, would that qualify as home? The thing is, who the hell knows.
Over the last few years, this question has absolutely haunted me! Which has been good considering it has pushed me to seek an answer. All this time when I was not at peace within myself, I kept feeling not at home, thinking home is external. It took me a very long time to realise this, but somewhere along the line, I realised home is not a place or a person for me, but it is me and where I can be myself with no reservations or filters. The more I focus within and work on attaining inner peace, the more I feel at home. And of course this is a continuous journey and I’m going to keep working on it.
Some credit definitely goes to 2021. It was the year of transformation for me. I decided, I will spend an uncomfortable amount of time with myself, until I figure myself out completely. Where am I headed in life, who do I really want to spend time with, how do I become the best version of myself, do I really love myself, what are the values I present to people in my life, are some examples of questions I was seeking answers for.
Tried different styles of meditation, went vegetarian for a whole months a few times, got into fasting, all of this just to push myself and see where it takes me. All of these efforts I made last year, were key for me to get to know myself better and fall in love with myself truly and in accepting myself for who I am and not someone I think I should be.
‘Embracing me at my best and also, at my worst. Because all of it is precious me.’When we say ‘I don’t feel like myself today’, I think that is incorrect. Even on those days, it is you and we need to embrace and be okay with those parts too.
In summary, what I can say is, in my opinion, “Home is where I can truely be myself and be at peace with that”.💖